migueljuan

Wow, it's been more than a year since I wrote my last entry. It's funny how reading my older entries truly made me realized how much I've grown. Let me just give you guys (my non-existent readers) an update of my life. It's been a crazy rollercoaster ride for me this past year. I've sent my dad to jail, moved out of my house, moved back in, got promoted to a full time job, and experienced a bath house for the first time among other things. It's really a lot take in so I'm not going to bother jotting down every last intricate detail of my crazy life. Instead, I want to take time to truly reminisce my growth emotionally.

It just goes to show you how I haven't been all that connected with my emotions in the last year because I haven't written an entry in a while. I usually only resort to my ever emotive style of writing when I'm not in a good mood. I guess I can say that alcohol has helped me drown my sorrows and the thought of partying every day dilutes my negative thoughts. I know I have to face them eventually and writing this down makes it seem like I'm tackling this monster head on with no regrets.

Ugh! The last thing I wanted to do was write about romance but once again that is the heated topic of my life for now. I thought I finally found a guy worth dating after searching high and low but of course once again I was so wrong. I thought that when I outgrew my high school persona that I would stop getting the "friend card". Well apparently, what would my life be without that damn card? I'm sick of it but as I'm typing this and after reading my older posts I realized that this could go on for a while so I might as well take advantage of it and make a ton of friends! All jokes aside, I'm almost ready to give up on romance but part of me knows that I deserve better. If this was five years ago, I would've wallowed in my own pitiful existence but this isn't 2006 anymore. It's about damn time I grabbed the steering wheel and crash into the crowd. Well, don't take that literally. It's really just about moving forward. It's absolutely true that there are plenty of fishes in the sea (and also some mermaids). I hope that I'd find that person someday. I'm not going to rush it because quite frankly that's too stressful and things just come unexpectedly. Romance should never be about the ideal but about the unlikely. From now on, I'm just going to take things as they come with no expectations. I feel like it would just be healthier for everybody involved.

As much as I'd love to really write up a novel, I'm getting really sleepy coupled with the fact that I have to work early tomorrow, so I will leave this for now and hopefully moving forward I'd be able to write down my thoughts a bit more regularly. If there's anything I learned in this last year, it would be the power of reminiscing.

After two long years, I find myself writing something on here. I don't know what it is but it seems like I've lost a lot of my passion for expression. I haven't really written anything worthwhile. Come to think of it, I haven't really done anything worthwhile either. I'm at a point in my life where I can feel everything is about to catch up to me and I'll regret every decision that I've made in the past couple of years. I guess I'm really just writing this to let some sort of emotion out. I've been very passive as of late, almost unemotional if you will.

As I write here, my life flashed before my eyes. Quite frankly, there isn't a whole lot of story to tell. Well, at least I think so even though people think my life is fairly interesting. It's actually become quite a chore, an endless loop filled with partying and catching up to responsibilities. I need to seriously get back in this game called life and stop all this bullshit before it consumes me. Honestly, I think it might be a little too late. I want to go back to school and finish; do something with my life without limitations, but alas it's a bit impossible as of right now. I need to get things sorted out and I feel with the way my life is at the moment, it's just not possible.

I wish I can go back two years ago. I wish I'd taken a different road. I wish I followed my dreams. Maybe, I won't be writing this. Maybe, I won't feel so disappointed. Well, regrets are always present in people's mind it seems. This time I want to do something about it. I want to be able to say I turned my life around. I will do the impossible because it's the only way.

Ok, something weird just happened. Can this be real? Am I truly over that one person who I can't shake out of my head? Well, it looks like it. I don't feel anything whatsoever when I speak to him nor do I care about him quite frankly. I saw him for the first time in almost two months about two days ago. Quite frankly, I didn't feel a damn thing. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that I was capable of getting over him. Besides, I'm getting a lot of attention from other guys. It's about time that I broaden my horizons and not dwell on the past. Once again, I can honestly say that I've changed. I'm still as bitchy as ever but one thing is for sure, my emotions are under control.

I consider myself very intelligent but it seems like the guys I meet are interested in other things. I don't know why but people have told me that I give off the vibe that I'm easy, which is hardly the case. From my perspective, it seems like I play hard to get, which is way I'm so confused as to why I give off the "easy" vibe. There's like three guys asking me if I want to hang out, which is translation for "I want to fuck you." Sometimes it makes me giggle that guys think I'm that damn cute or something but other times it bothers me. Very few guys have paid attention to what I have to say and my substance. Instead, they look at the ass and growl like I'm a piece of meat. You would think that I'd love all this attention but it can get tiring after a while. It's a lot harder to weed through all those jackasses to get to the real people who will value my opinion and respect my character.

More to come tomorrow since I gotta snooze. I should really start writing again since I'm at a new chapter in my life.

I just realized that it's almost been a month since the last time I wrote a blog. After the whole myspace fiasco, I don't really feel like writing down my thoughts as of late. But, writing always makes me feel better so I'm gonna give it a go.

Earlier today, I was supposed to go out with friends that I haven't seen in a long time but everybody didn't take it seriously so almost everybody ended up canceling and to be honest, it pissed me off. I didn't make show it though, which is something I'm proud of. I usually explode in anger when things don't go my way but I'm glad I reacted differently to this situation. When I think about it though, I realize that I no longer concern myself with petty things. I've lost interest in so many things. I've become so indifferent about my problems and other people's problems. Tell me a sad story and I probably won't give a fuck. I don't exactly know what changed nor do I care but I just wonder where the old me went.

I'm at Andrea's house right now. We're about to go somewhere a little bit later. She's taking a well-deserved nap right now while I'm using her computer. Geez. I just noticed that I typed three sentences without making a joke about her. I really have changed.

Days like today made me realize that I'm more alone than I think. I do have a lot of really close friends and I know that they'll be there at the drop of a hat if I need them but at the end of the day, I'm by myself. I never really took the time to think about that. I'm at the point in my life where I need someone to be there for me all the time. I think that it's about time that I take relationships seriously. I'm not getting any younger and quite frankly, I need someone I can spend forever with. Maybe I'm just saying this now because I'm in the process of moving forward but sometimes I wonder what it feels like to have someone to love and loves you back.

Being single has its quirks and it's fun for a while but I've never truly experienced a long-lasting relationship. I know that I probably shouldn't be thinking about this because I'm only 19 for goodness' sakes but it's a thought that's always present in my mind as of late. I'm not in a rush though; I'm just wondering when that time will come. In 3 years? 10 years? 20 years? I don't really know and I shouldn't think about it.

I'm so indecisive. One day I love being single and the next I want someone to hold. It's a mystery indeed.

I'm exhausted.

Today was a very productive day. I finally have access to a computer because my monitor broke yesterday and it was a nightmare. I'm not going to go into details about how it broke because I am so tired of repeating the same story over and over again. I used my other PC but my cousin installed the original hardrive from my other computer. It takes a while to get used to the smaller monitor but it's all good. I am buying a MAC once the money start rolling in, which I doubt will happen for the next 100 years.

Onto more exciting things.

I wrote HIM a letter that I desperately want him to read because I want to get it over with as soon as possible. But, I just decided that I don't need a letter to confront him. I can do it face to face. I have to end my friendship with HIM because I need to get over him. I can't be around him all the time because it fucks me up emotionally. It is not a pretty sight to come home from hanging out with HIM, depressed and shit. It's time to take charge. This may be the most selfish thing I'll ever do but I need to do this. This is something that must be done. I can no longer put on a fake smile just for the sake of our friendship. It's time to take control of things and move on. Sadly, I can only move on if he gets cut off of my life. I know that it's pretty sad that I'm sacrificing a very meaningful friendship but I absolutely can't take any more of this shit. I can't keep seeing him and being close to him and yet so far away. I'm running out of energy to keep telling myself that it's okay. I can't be there for HIM. I have to be there for me.

For those of you (those two people that stalk me and read this) that didn't know, my myspace was hacked recently. My friends and a year's worth of blogs were deleted. I don't know who the culprit is but I think it's better that I don't because who knows what kind of savagery I'd do to to them if I ever found out. I've decided that I will move my business here since my shell is beginning to regenerate. I've recently come to the conclusion that it's better for me to keep my thoughts privately rather than put it all out there for all to see. They're really not that interesting and quite frankly, the insane amount of sarcasm is getting pretty old. That was sarcasm by the way.

To: Juan

I fuckin' hate you with a passion. You are the most hypocritical bitch I've ever seen in the face of this planet. I hope that one day you realize how stupid you are. I hope that one day your weak ass self will realize how worthless of a person you truly are! If it wasn't for me, you'd already be off to Lala land. Listen to me for once, stupid asshole! Enough with letting your heart talk, you stupid bitch! It's time to dust off your brain and use it! FUCKIN' RETARD! Go in the corner and play with matches, asshole.


From: Your Alter Ego

Ok, I'm glad I got that out of my system.

i wanna have my own reality show. iunno, i think it would be awesome. hahahaha! geez. is it good or bad that i'm t.v. material. just think of all the drama people, the drama!